


dark blue

by flatsound



Category: Bandom, Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst, Brief Mention of Suicide, Fluff, High School, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sweet Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 17:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14025438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flatsound/pseuds/flatsound
Summary: Geoff doesn’t know this version of him. He doesn’t know this Awsten who stays in bed crying for no apparent reason. He only knows the Awsten that’s loud and laughing and joking. Awsten wasn’t sure which version was the real him.





	dark blue

**Author's Note:**

> here is my yearly fanfic. see y'all spring 2019.
> 
> p.s awsten and travis please don't read this thx

Awsten never got good morning texts from Geoff. And like. Whatever, it was hardly a big deal. Sometimes he got texts, usually one’s replying to some random thing that Awsten had texted him in the middle of the night, but never an actual good morning text. They didn’t drive to school together, which made sense. Geoff was usually late to things while Awsten’s idea of late was being a minimum of five minutes early. They lived in different areas, but maybe it was because Geoff didn’t want to be one of those couples that spent every moment together.

At 8:15, Geoff texts Awsten asking where he is. That must be exactly when he gets into class and notices that Awsten isn’t in the classroom already sitting in his usual spot in the back.

 _home. headache._ Awsten replies half an hour after Geoff’s texts him even though he’s had his phone in his hand the from the moment Geoff sent it. He stared at Geoff’s text and then he stares at the blank screen on his phone that remains in his hand before he finally texted back.

He’s not lying. He does have a headache. The type of headache you get when you’ve been crying a lot. A glass of water would probably make him feel a lot better but it was easier to just stay in bed. Awsten always took the easy way out.

Sometimes dying felt like the easy way out.

It would be easy. There was a bottle of advil in Awsten’s bathroom cabinet. Swallowing the entire bottle seemed like a lot easier than dealing with life and the endless questions. Having no future seemed easier than making a choice of what he wanted to do with his future. Awsten had endless possibilities. He could be anyone or anything he wanted. And it was overwhelming. It would be easier to be nothing. It would be easier to be nothing than to try to be something and fail.

Awsten starts crying for the third time in the last twelve or so hours when he seems Geoff name light up his phone screen around nine. First period must have just gotten out, so Geoff had two or three minutes to spare as he walked to his next class. He’s not exactly sure why he’s crying, but it happens. At least the other two times he had least knew why he was crying. He had reasons, though they weren’t really valid reasons. He had been crying over nothing before just like he was crying over nothing now.

He wipes he says and takes a second to stop crying, then answers the phone a ring before it would have gone to voicemail probably.

Geoff doesn’t know this version of him. He doesn’t know this Awsten that stays in bed crying for no apparent reason. He only knows the Awsten that’s loud and laughing and joking. Awsten wasn’t sure which one was the real him. That was part of the problem. He didn’t know who he was or who he wanted to be or if he even wanted to be anything. It was easier to attach himself to a person or a hobby for a few months than bother figuring out who he really was. It was easier to be obsessed with someone or something, to have all his thoughts revolve around whatever it was then he get lost in his negative thoughts, to face his negative thoughts.

Awsten loved the easy way out.

Talking was not easy, at least not when you were talking about feelings.

Awsten doesn’t want to talk to anyone, not even Geoff, but he did want to hear Geoff’s voice and those two things usually came hand in hand.

“Hey, you okay?” Geoff asks. There’s muffled background noises that confirms that he’s probably walking to his next class. Awsten walks him to that class everyday but he can’t even remember what it is.

Awsten clears his throat, hoping that will be enough to make his voice sound normal.

“I’m feeling shitty,” Awsten admits. He is feeling shitty, it’s just that he feels it in more ways than just physical. He does feel tired, he does have a headache. He’s not lying to Geoff but it feels like he is.

“I’m sorry,” Geoff replies and he probably is. He’s a good person like that. He cares about other people, but still cares about himself. Awsten wasn’t sure he cared about either. Or maybe he cared too much, he couldn’t tell. It was just another thing to add to the list of things about himself that he was unsure about.

“Not your fault,” Awsten says as he curled up tighter around himself. It was near the middle of spring and as summer was approaching, the days were getting hotter. The blanket that Awsten had tightly wrapped in was unnecessary but made him feel safe like it was shielding him from the entire world.

Awsten hears the familiar ringing of the school bell. Just for a second he worries that he’s going to be late for class but then he realizes he’s laying in bed and that ship has long since sailed.

He figured that Geoff would quickly say goodbye and then get to class, but he continued talking. “Just a headache?” Geoff asked, “Did you take some Advil or something?”

Awsten wants to laugh. He doesn’t though and answers Geoff, “I’m too lazy to get out of bed.”

He can almost hear Geoff frowning, “Do you want me to come over?”

He does. “Nah, I’m fine. I’m probably just going to go to sleep anyways.”

“What about after school?”

Awsten wants to say no. He doesn’t want to deal with another person today and he’s going to have to deal with his family later so he might as well save the little energy he has for that. He isn’t sure he’ll be able to muzzle up a fake smile for more than a conversation. Geoff will see straight through him. He’ll be able to tell something is wrong right away, unlike his parents who are oblivious to everything. Awsten could be bleeding out in front of them and they would insist it was just a paper cut.

He loves Geoff. He really does. He wants nothing more than to have him here but it seems unfair to bring him down with him. It would be unfair for Geoff to have to spend the entire afternoon with someone in such a foul mood.

Still, Awsten agreed, “Yeah, sure.”

“I don’t want to hang up,” Geoff says. “But I’m already last for class. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Geoff knew him better than anyone else in the world. He could always tell when something was wrong, even when Awsten couldn’t tell something was wrong. When you had been sad for such a long time, you started becoming accustomed to feeling like it. At some point, sad had become the new normal.

When Geoff hangs up a moment after Awsten insists he’s fine, Awsten leaves the phone pressed to his ear for a minute as if he was waiting for Geoff to say something more.

Awsten spends ten minutes debating about whether he should go to the bathroom and take a shower. He tells himself he will at 10:30 but when that time passes, he tells himself he will at 11:00. That passes by too quickly as well, and soon enough it almost time for school to get out and Awsten has spent the entire day staring that his walls.

It was easy to give into the stereotype. Sometimes he even liked it. Sometimes when he wrote sad sentence in his notebook while listening to some obscure music that no one else in the universe was listening to, he felt cool. He felt like the star of an indie movie. He felt like there should be a pale filter over his life.

Sadness wasn’t cool. Neither was staying in bed the entire day.

Awsten gets up and takes a shower. It’s a long shower. He doesn’t get out until he starts feeling guilty about the water he’s wasting. After that he goes into the living room and deletes the voicemail the school secretary left on the house phone about his unexcused absence. What his parents didn’t know wasn’t going to hurt them.

Those two things were the most productive part of Awsten’s day. It wasn’t a lot, but it was better than nothing. After that, he headed back up to his room. His sheets had cooled in the thirty minutes he had been gone from it. It felt cool and refreshing and he snuggled back up in the spot he had abandoned.

Awsten only lived down the street from the high school so Awsten had been expecting Geoff to get here a few minutes after after three but he didn’t get here until three thirty. Awsten first heard Geoff’s old and subsequently loud car. Then he hears his front door open and close. Finally, he hears his footsteps get louder and louder until Geoff is crawling into Awsten’s bed.

“You need to start locking your door, someone is going break in and murder you,” is Geoff’s way of greeting him. He’s half joking, but Awsten can still hear some seriousness in his voice.

“God, I hope so. Hopefully they’ll make it quick and painless though.” Awsten laughs. Geoff sighs.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, a lot,” Awsten replied honestly. The shower had helped.

“Did you eat anything?” Geoff asked.

Awsten doesn't bother lying, “No.”

Geoff reaches into his backpack and shuffles around some most likely unused notebooks and pulls out a bottle of Awsten’s favorite orange juice.

Awsten refuses to cry again today. He refuses to cry over a bottle of fucking orange juice.

It’s not even the orange juice that makes him want to cry; it’s Geoff and the thought of him going out his way to go to Awsten’s favorite grocery store and buying Awsten’s favorite orange juice although Geoff thought that it was overpriced. Geoff probably didn’t even give the act a second thought, he probably doesn’t even realize how much it means to Awsten.

He takes the bottle without looking Geoff in the eyes. He knows he’ll cry if he looks into those big blue eyes looking at him with concern.

Awsten opens up the bottle and takes a drink. He’s not even thirsty thought he should be since he the last time he had drank a glass of water was last night and he had definitely cried that whole glass out since then.

“Thanks,” he says and he screws the cap back on. Geoff takes the bottle back from him and places it on the bedside table besides him.

Geoff gentle puts his arm around Awsten’s shoulders and pulls him in. He feels safe tucked under his arm, safe with the heat radiating off of Geoff’s skin and onto his. Geoff gently presses a kiss to the top of Awsten’s head. It was nothing like the the rough kisses the two of them had shared a few nights before. Somehow the gentle peck felt more.

For the first time all day, he feels okay.

**Author's Note:**

> be my friend:
> 
> [tumblr](http://loudgetslonely.tumblr.com) & [twitter ](http://twitter.com/notswarrior)


End file.
